If I had known it would be the Last Time

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Life has a beginning and and end.  We are born and we will die.  In between those two moments in time will be many firsts and many lasts.  Many of those firsts and lasts will have an emotion attached to it.  Often times a “last time” can come with regret, sadness, or pain attached.

I wish I would have known so many of the last times in my life were last times when they happened.  Often we don’t know that what we are experiencing may never happen again so we treat it like any other day, any other event.  Oh, how I wish I would have known it would be the last time…

If I had known it would be the last time I would talk to you, I would have listened closer, I would have responded better, I would have hugged tighter, I would have made sure you knew all that you meant to me and how very much I loved you…

If I had known it would be the last time I watched you play baseball after watching you play since you were just my cute little toddler, I would have recorded it all, I would have taken a million pictures,  I would have cheered till I couldn’t speak, I would have asked the coach for the ball you hit, I would have told you as you walked off of the field how very very proud I am to be your mom and how you blessed us with your gifts on the baseball field.  I would have made sure you knew that I didn’t regret one day in the freezing rain bundled up at the ball field or one sunburned peeling nose, that I didn’t regret the money spent over the years, or the many hours invested…

If I had known it would be the last time you and I shared the finish line together, the woman who gave me the gift of running, who taught me and ran by me even in my slowest days and became my biggest cheerleader and best friend ever.  If I would have known there wouldn’t be another race, I would have hugged you so tight at the finish, I would have celebrated us and I would have made sure that neither of us forgot that finish…

If I had known it would be the last time you would hold my hand in public, I would have walked every store, park, and street I could with your hand in mine until our feet hurt, I would have let you know that my hand is always here for you and that I hoped someday you would want to hold it again…

If I had known it was the last time I would eat a croissant I would have cherished every buttery bite, I would have even taken a picture of me with my  beloved gluten filled bread product, I would have taken an hour to eat that croissant; maybe I would have had two…

If I had known that it was the last time I would run, I would have done it on a beautiful cool day, with just the right play list.  I would have counted my blessings while praying and enjoying the air on my skin, I would have enjoyed the drops of sweat and the heaving of my chest as I put one foot in front of the other, and I would have said something symbolic and encouraging to myself about how awesome the years on the road just me, my running shoes and Jesus had been…

I guess we have to live as if it was the last time, all of the time.  Not in fear, but in constant love of what we have, of who we are blessed to share our lives with, of all that we hold dear.  Enjoy every moment, live that life of yours to the fullest, because you just never know when it will be a last time and when it’s gone, it’s gone.  Please don’t wait to start living your life more, live and love big NOW so you don’t have to have regrets and you don’t have to say , “If I had known it was the last time….”

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